The L Manual
by sakura's conscience
Summary: The L Manual is a safe way to lead your life while working with L and keeping sane....maybe. On Hiatus
1. Prologue

A/n: This is my first fanfic since I deleted my other fanfics so, hope you like it! -;;;; Review and I might not delete this story as well!

The Safety Manual

Prologue

"Yagami Raito, since you will be helping the investigation case, I have written a manual for your safety. It is vital that you read it." informed Watari.

"Manual? Why would I need a manual?" asked Raito.

"It's a precaution manual for Ryuzaki's habits." warned Watari.

"I can handle Ryuzaki, how difficult can it be? No worries Watari, I'll be fine." said Light.

"But Lig-"

"Watari, will you get me strawberry shortcake please?" asked L.

"Right away Ryuzaki-san." confirmed Watari. Light gave Watari back the manual as he left to fetch the cake.

"He has no idea what he has gotten himself into." sighed Watari while cutting the cake.

"Ryuzaki, don't you think you have had enough sweets?" complained Light.

"Are you saying I'm fat?!" gasped L.

"You will be sooner or later." said Light. L started crying and kicked Light in the face.

"Meanie!" sobbed L. Light went into the kitchen to get the first aid kit. Watari handed him the manual and the kit with the 'I-told-you-so' look.

A/n: And that concludes the first chapter! If I get five reviews by tonight, I'll update by tonight. It's almost four o' clock by the way. I'm serious, I'm already working on the next chapter!


	2. Rule 1

A/n: Whee!! I'm so happy! Thanks for all your support! 3 faves and alerts in less than 2 hours, I'm REALLY HAPPY! WHEE!! goes nuts and runs around room till she hits her knee Here's the chapter I promised!

Rule 1: Never take L's strawberry.

Light opened the manual and raised an eyebrow. This had to be impossible.

"Light, we are going to have a meeting soon. Come downstairs please." said L.

"Coming." sighed Light. L was eating more strawberry shortcake when a thought popped into Raito's mind.

"Ryuzaki, there is so much cake in the fridge, why don't you bring it outside? The meeting is sure to be long and you wouldn't have to get up all the time to get a slice. It's so much more convenient." said Light.

"But I have Watari…can't he do that?" asked L.

"But why would you ask Watari all the time when you can do some excising in the meanwhile?" asked Light.

"I suppose so…"sighed L. L went to the kitchen while Light popped L's strawberry in his mouth.

"Wonder what will happen next." murmured Light.

"Light, I brought the cake but my strawberry senses are tingling." frowned L. L's face turned pale when he looked at his piece of cake.

"M-m-my strawberry……." quivered L. Light looked at L.

"Sorry?" tried Light.

"You bastard!" cried L.

"Umm…..it fell in my mouth." said Light. L threw the cake he had in his hand at Light.

"What a waste of cake….." cried L sadly.

"Then why did you do it?!" growled Light. L didn't reply as he started doing prayers for the cake. The investigation team came but stopped at the door.

"Is it Halloween already?" asked Matsuda. Light glared at Matsuda which didn't look so threatening seeing as he was covered in white frosting and strawberry. Indeed he looked like a clown.

"What happened?" asked Sochiro.

"Kira killed my strawberry." pouted L.

A/n: Hope you liked it! I'll update soon since this story is so successful. :D


	3. Rule 2

A/n: Thank you to all my reviewers! Arigato! I am really happy. Here's another chapter. Enjoy! This fanfic is dedicated to I'm canned fruit. I also want to thank reviewers and my sister shadowtailmon who actually gave me good idea and not just hot yaoi smex ideas, which I don't think this story will turn out to be.

Rule 2: Never Force Feed L Meat

"Light, I do believe it is time for dinner." stated L.

"I'm going out for dinner." said Light.

"I have to keep an eye on you Light, so I do believe that we should stay here." said L. Suddenly Light had another idea.

"I'll stay if you eat meat." offered Light.

"Excuse me?" glared L.

"You hear me. Eat. Meat." confirmed Light.

"Why? I have a perfect eating habit." whined L.

"You call eating sweets for every meal of the day including snacks a perfect eating habit? If that's true I must be Kira." huffed Light.

"So you admit you're Kira?" asked L.

"I'm NOT!" yelled Light.

"But you just said you were!" protested L.

"You don't have a perfect eating habit!" screeched Light.

"My brain says you're lying." pouted L.

"My brain says I better confiscate your candies." said Light.

"Why? My candies' innocent." said L.

"I'm confiscating it for nicotine." said Light.

"You can't! I bet you'll eat it behind my back saying you "confiscated it". No, no, no, I am not that dumb. You might try to put poison in my precious candies, or put a sleeping pill in it, or choke me with it. Oh, and then you'll say Kira killed me when you did which could also mean you're Kira. Then, you'll tell the investigation team that you were helping me and try to get off the hook. Oh, I got you good….MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!" cackled L.

"Is he always like this?" asked Light.

"Yes. Light, I do hope you know that L has a withdrawal problem." said Watari.

"I know now." sighed Light.

A/n: Not really funny but it's sort of the best I can do at 12:39 in the morning and my parents won't let me have coffee anymore.


	4. Rule 3

A/n: So sorry guys, but my cousins are coming over tomorrow and this eleven year old writer is apologizing in advance. I won't update in a while. Sorry! But if my cousins already find out about this fanfic then I probably might update….it's a 10/100 chance though… ENJOY!

Rule 3: Always Keep L Occupied

"Watari, I'm bored, call Light." whined L.

"L, it's three in the morning. Perhaps we could call him later." reasoned Watari.

"PUPPY EYE POWER!!!!" yelled L. Watari handed him the phone and sighed. This was just getting too weird.

"Light, come over now! This is an emergency. It's about the KIRA case. Yes, now. No you can't have my sugar! Mine….MINE….MINE!!! MUHAHAHAHA!! Thank you, come again." said L. Light arrived in his pink jammies (A/n: LOL I know I am getting really OOC but I don't care unless you don't like it.) and a big red angry mark on his head.

"Light, no hats or caps inside." stated L. Light took off his angry mark nightcap and let out a big yawn.

"What the hell happened so you couldn't call me AFTER dawn?!" snapped L.

"EWWW! Your breath stinks." spat L.

"Stop changing the subject!" roared Light.

"Rightttt…..so, I'm bored." stated L.

"WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE KIRA CASE?!" asked Light.

"Kira wants me to die of boredom." pouted L.

"GRR!! If I wanted you to die, you'd be DEAD in the MORNING!" snapped Light.

"AHA! You admit you're Kira!" announced L.

"I admit nothing. I admit that I am sleepy and want to go HOMEEEEE!!!!" shouted Light.

"Still, you admit something. So that means you are not admitting that you admit nothing." Said L.

"GOOD NIGHT!" yelled Light. Light stomped out the door.

"GOOD MORNING!" yelled L.

A/n: Not that good, but I slept at three in the morning and just woke up at ten in the morning. Very sleepy…. Anyways, nighty night, don't let the cockroach bite.


	5. Rule 4

A/n: I haven't updated in a while so here I am! My cousins are in Indiana so I have a while to update. I'd like to say sorry to the people who liked my previous stories. SORRY!

Haven't had any ideas lately. So sorry about the late update!

Rule 4: Do Not Disturb Playtime

Today was Friday the 27th. Today was known as L's play day. He ordered some magnetic letters and magnetic board. Light was not informed that no one should come this day because it was pretty much pointless unless you wanted to play tea party with Mr. Bear the Bear.

"L?" questioned Light.

"Ah, L is in the kitchen." informed Watari.

"Oh, thank you." replied Light. Light thought that perhaps L might be snacking on some other form of captivity bomb. As L would say, ' Sugar increases my smartness...NOW GIMMEH MEH SUGAR!!!'

"Light?" questioned L. This was a sight Light was not expecting. L was playing with toddler toys.

"L?!" gaped Light.

"You be the titanic, I'll be the iceberg, and you go down on me." ordered L. Light started blushing.

"What the hell are you talking about Ryuzaki?!" blushed Light. L pointed at the titanic set innocently.

"I just wanted to play...Why are you being so mean?" sniffed L.

"Shame on you Light. L is just a child!" scolded Watari.

"What?! He's older than me!" defended Light.

"He's a kid at heart." replied Watari.

"He's a kid at his stomach too..." grumbled Light.

"Why don't you spell something else L?" ignored Watari. Light was forced to babysit L while Watari went out to buy sweets.

"What?" whined Light. L was tugging his jacket. The board spelled 'play with me'.

"Pwlease?" pouted L.

"No." said Light. L huffed and spelled 'im mad at chu'

"I feel honored." replied Light sarcastically. L took the u from chu, t from at, a fron mad, and h from chu to spell UTAH! Honestly Light was getting a little boring. L felt hungry so we went to get a piece of cake. When he came back, Light was randomly swirling his words.

"Oh no!" gasped L.

"What?" asked Light.

"You destroyed a state!" glared L. Light sighed, when would the insanity end?

A/n: Sorry for the late update. Hope you liked it1 Remember the review or I'll be sad and forget to update!


	6. Rule 5

A/n: I know I haven't updated in a long while so here I am. Forgive me, I have writer's block. I still currently do but i'm trying my best to update. GOMEN!

Rule 5: Don't Mess With L's Clothes

"L, I think you need new clothes." blurt Light.

"Excuse me?" blinked L.

"If I made a cut out of you I'd only need three colors. Black, white, and blue." stated Light.

"Who said you need to cut me?" questioned L.

"I don't-"

"Then why?" pouted L.

"Let's throw out your wardrobe is what I meant." said Light.

"Then what will I wear?" protested L.

"My clothes." smirked Light.

"I'd feel like...Mini Me." shuddered L. (A/n: From Austin Powers. Gosh that's creppy.)

"Fine, we'll get new clothes." said Light.

"I don't wanna." whined L.

An Hours Later...

"I am NOT wearing an owl coustume." growled L.

"It matches your eyes! Se-OOF! Fine...that hurt you know." glared Light. (A/n: Light was attempting to say See? It's not that bad.)

Another Hour...

"It's so...me!" cheered L.

"That's because it's your clothes. We didn't buy ANYTHING!" cried Light. They had to leave the mall because L threw a fit because the McFlurry didn't have enough sugar.

"Let's try something else." sighed Light. Light attempted to take off L's shirt and put on a different one that Light bought for L at Susie's Deal. It was a button up blue shirt with an already attached black tie that had skulls on them which was also striped with grey diagionally. (They arrived at headquarters already.)

"He's touching meh." said L.

"Wai-"

"He's touching meh." said L a bit louder.

"Hold sti-"

"He's touching meh!" yelled L.

"Hey! Stop wrig-"

"HE'S TOUCHING ME!" screamed L.

"I said stay st-"

"HE'S TOUCHING MEH!" screached L.

"I'LL GIVE YOU CANDY IF YOU HOLD STILL!"

"..." said L. In the end, Light had no more money, L got lots of cake and a new shirt.

A/n: Really stupid, but writer's block can do this to ya.


	7. Rule 6

A/n: I know I don't update very often anymore. So sorry! Here's a chapter, untill Halloween! Please read my other stories as well. Thank you!

Rule 6: Never Mention About ' IT '

"Light, are those….?" flinched L. There was a pile of 'not edible' food in front of L. In other words, something that didn't have an abnormal amout of glucose.

"Yes L. It's food." sighed Light.

"Cake is food. Cupcake is food. Angelcake is food. Ice cream cake is food. This is NOT food." growled L.

"GOD L! Not everything revolves around cake!" snapped Light.

Silence.

"Of course not. Light-kun." said L.

"Glad you see it my wa-"

"There's pies too."

Silence...

"I meant fresh air, REAL food, fam-"

"Cake is the food of the heavens!" proclaimed L.

"HEAVEN IS NOT FOR ALIVE PEOPLE!!!" yelled Light.

"Watari, Light is beng meannnnnn!!" whined L.

"Do you want a time out Light-kun?" asked Watari sternly.

"What?! No!" yelped Light. L stuck out his tounge.

"Nah nah!" blurt L.

A/n: Sooooo there! Wait till Halloween for more chapters and the beginning of the the Misa Manual!


	8. Rule 7

A/n: Ummm...my writing got crappier. So sorry. Ima hide under a rock now. Kinda tramatized anyways, I saw a dead cat on my way to school. Happy that people went curved so then they didn't hit the cat. It was a white cat too.

Rule 8: Never Let L Eat Cake With A Metal Spoon

One beautiful morning L was eating cake. It had strawberries on it and it was very yummy, he

wrestled a kid for it at the bakery. He was also currently in a room with L studying about the Kira case. The others were playing billards in the other room.

"Ryuzaki, you look stupid...and weird." said Light. L looked at Light with a questioning look.

"Don't I always look werid? I can do a perfect imitation of a panda without doing anything." said L.

"That's true. But you still look stupid." stated Light.

"Why is that?" asked L.

"For one, you have a spoon in your mouth. It's been in your mouth for nearly ten minutes." said Light.

"Soooooo? What's your poin-" L stopped what he was saying. His eyes got wider and his pupils got smaller.

"Ryuzaki?" asked L. No words were spoken. It had gotten deathly quite. L started to choke and swallow quickly.

"Ryuzaki? Did I hurt your feelings? I heard chocolate makes woman feel better. Not that you're a woman, but you like sweets anyways. And when it come to you, you're like a mother bear to sweets. " rambled Light. L ran away and locked the bathroom.

"It's not you! It's me!" shouted L in the bathroom.

"I can change!" pleaded Light. Suddenly, there was sounds of retching. Light's eyes widened considerably and he paled. Matsuda came into the room to deliver paperwork when he also heard L.

"Uhhh...it wasn't me!" said Light quicky. Matsuda glanced at Light and the door blocking his view of L.

"Congradulations! Is it a boy or girl?" asked Matsuda.

A/n: Matsuda is thinking Light got L pregant. That isn't possible of course. I heard from my sister that if you put a metal spoon in your mouth for a long time, you feel like barfing. Soooo, I did this. Sorry if you don't like it. Reviews needed for improvment. Please go easy on me, I'm still kinda rusty!


	9. Rule 8

(A/n: Basically I suck now. You can go flame me. I'll rot in hell. Whee. Haha, I is no longers funnies. )

L was holding a pair of scissors and decided he was a cool guy. He saved the world from evil. He was going to get rid of Kira, evil person of evil. He also got rid of glorious candy from little kid so they wouldn't get cavities. A pair of hands clamped themselves upon his shoulders.

Light donned a look of complete seriousness. Then looked at L and as if reading his mind, "You are the worst, least cool, and never will be cool, guy in the world."

L replied, "You are the worst, man killing, never will be good, Kira in the world."

Light grinned brightly as if he heard a compliment. L proceeded to do the same. They turned to face their computers and scowled.

'Watari said I was a cool boy.'

'My mommy said I was a good boy.'

WOOSH!

L ran by Light.

WOOSH!

L ran by Light again. "SCISSORS MAKE ME COOL! TAKE THAT! HAH!"

WOO- BAM!

L jabbed Light in the stomach with scissors.

"WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?!" cried Light. L peered at Light sprawled on the ground. He was gasping in pure agony.

"Oh no. You're dying. I should call the hospital. And-HEY! Stop bleeding on my CARPET! It's WHITE! Stains are so hard to get rid of! I don't have any club soda, you naughty boy." scolded L.

"When this is over, I will murder you." snarled Light.

"You admit you're Kira! The Justice League strikes again!"

(A/n: I'm afraid if you review, I'll die from the flames.)


	10. Rule 9

(A/n: Thanks Christina and whitetyger123 for the inspiration to continue.)

Rule 9: Do Not Let L Pray To God

L was asleep. Light could go to sleep. Sweet pleasures. God must love him today. Why yes. He did love himself. A lot. It wasn't his fault he was perfect.

"Light~ I want water. Get me water." Light thinks L is insane. Light thinks L must die. Light thinks he wants jello, not stupid cake. Oh yes, Light shall have his jello.

"Alright!" Light smiled brightly and got out of bed.

"Wait! Can you get me tea instead? With sugar cubes?"

"Ok, I'll be right back."

"Wait! Cake too?" L looked like a hopeful puppy.

"Ok, I'll be right back."

"Wait! Lollipops too?"

"Ok." Light was starting to get a little annoyed. Not a lot a lot but yes, annoyed.

"Wait! My-"

"How about I get Watari?"

"That is sufficient." Light went out and got Watari who brought L his refrigerator.

"Now let's pray and go to sleep." Light got on his knees and L…squatted.

"Oh holy god, please let me go to sleep. Am-"

"Dear Kira, please die and rot in hell. Dear real god, give us justice and more cake."

"Can you rephrase? I don't think god likes your tone. He'll give you a time out."

"Goodness, that shouldn't happen." L looked thoroughly shocked.

"Dear god, get rid of your imposter."

(A/n: I don't know. I think I changed my original plot too much.)


	11. Rule 10

[A/n: Yeah, I'm a lazy butt who lost my sense of humor. I can't even remember how I formatted my stories. I had to reread some things and go what the hell was I on?]

Rule 10: Red Hots

Light and L decided to go to a candy store, when L spotted something he had never ever seen in his years of living. It was called Red Hots. What were they? They were red and it could be cherry, though highly unlikely, strawberry or watermelon. He got himself a bag full of the new candy and headed back to the car.

"Watari, how come you never got me any 'Red Hots'?" Watari paled, because he knew.

"It's _delicious_. You should just pop everything into your mouth at once." Light smiled, because he knew.

"I don't think that-"

"I know what I'm doing!" L snapped and shoveled two handfuls into his mouth. His eyes stared to water and pinkish to reddish gush flowed out of his slack mouth. All over the damn car. Watari tried to please him with strawberry cake. Light tried to shove more into L's mouth, a little unsuccessful.

"W-whaaat is this abomination? WHY IS THIS CALLED CANDY? ITS NOT EVEN SWEET. IT'S SPICY. I SHOULD DESTORY THE COMPANY THAT MAKES THIS." And so, L forgave the company because they made other sweets that L liked. However, he refused to eat Red Hots anymore. It's vile and-

"Watari, what is this? It looks delicious! Why haven't you got me any of this?"

"It's very good, you should get two bags of it." Light was already shoveling it into bags.

"I don't think that's a very-"

"AUGHHH. IS THIS EVEN CANDY? THERE'S A BUG IN IT. IS THAT LEGAL? WE HAVE TO CALL THE COPS!"

"I'll call dad!"


End file.
